Surviving Evil

 On September 24, 2016 I went to the lake with friends and at some point I left the lake although I dont remember leaving there.  I ended up in a horrible wreck.  I rolled the car several times and hit a culvert and the car burst Into flames.  I have no memory of the actual wreck just things I learned later.  I was told when the car landed I was screaming out for help.  There was a man who lived a couple houses up the street off Highway 69 here in mineola that heard the wreck and came to my rescue.  He came down and could not get my door open so he climbed in the back window of the tahoe I was driving.     I was in a friends car and she had ammunition in the back.  So as my hero climbed in to save me the ammunition was firing off.  Noone else even bothered to try to help me.  He climbed in and couldn't get my seatbelt off as the flames were all around us burning us both.  He never gave up though he asked God to please...

      When I was first free of Josh and living on my own I had a huge hole in my heart.  I felt like I had to fill it.  I think it was the hole where my girls should be but I tried to fill it with a man.  I went from relationship to relationship trying to fill that emptiness but nothing ever filled it.   I was still so damaged that relationships just didn't work.  My self confidence was also terrible because I had so many scars all over my body.  I reconnected with a friend I had made when I was married to Josh.  Her name was Kandis and we began to spend time together and hang out and that gave me something else to spend my time on.  I was so lost and just trying to find a place to fit in.  Kandis and I would go shopping or get our nails done and just do girly things that I never got to do when I was with Josh.        I struggled with making my own decisions no matter how small they were.  ...

     The hardest part besides sacrificing my happiness to give my girls a life they deserved was finding out who I was.  I had lost myself somewhere in the 10 years Josh and I were together.  He didnt allow me to wear makeup except to cover bruises.  I was not allowed to fix my hair or paint my fingernails.  I was only allowed to wear Jean's and t shirts.  I was not allowed to make myself look nice and never felt beautiful.         When I became free of Josh I had no idea who I was or what to do.  I couldn't even make simple decisions like what to eat.   I still have trouble.   I was angry with God.  I stayed angry with God for a long time.  I blamed him for allowing me to go through what I did and for the suffering.  I blamed him for taking everything I loved away from me.   I could only see the bad in my life and couldn't see the good.  As I started going to the hear...