Moving forward

      When I was first free of Josh and living on my own I had a huge hole in my heart.  I felt like I had to fill it.  I think it was the hole where my girls should be but I tried to fill it with a man.  I went from relationship to relationship trying to fill that emptiness but nothing ever filled it.   I was still so damaged that relationships just didn't work.  My self confidence was also terrible because I had so many scars all over my body.  I reconnected with a friend I had made when I was married to Josh.  Her name was Kandis and we began to spend time together and hang out and that gave me something else to spend my time on.  I was so lost and just trying to find a place to fit in.  Kandis and I would go shopping or get our nails done and just do girly things that I never got to do when I was with Josh.  

     I struggled with making my own decisions no matter how small they were.   I still had a habit of wearing jeans and T-shirts for a while until I was able to realize that I was a free woman who could wear what she wanted to.  You see being with a man who abuses you carries with you for the rest of your life even after you get away.   There is so much trauma physically, emotionally, financially, and verbally.   Those harsh words that were said to you from the person you loved are etched in your heart and soul.   Although you gradually learn that those words were not true, they stay in the back of your mind and are always there.   The physical pain heals but the scars left there are forever a reminder.  Emotionally you have to rebuild yourself.  You have to learn its okay to cry and have emotions and you don't have to be strong all the time.  This is still hard for me because I still try to act tough about everything until I get overwhelmed and just cry it out.  Financially you have no clue how to live.  You have no idea how to pay bills and in my case I was not allowed to spend money that I earned when I was married to Josh so when I started working after I got away it was hard to spend money on myself because it was still in the back of my mind that I would get in trouble.  Then I went through a phase where I just sort of blew money on me and friends.  I eventually learned to budget and got my own place and learned how to be financially responsible.    Another major thing that an abuser takes is your trust and self worth.  It is so hard when you escape an abuser to trust anyone that includes the cops.   To this day I still struggle with trusting people.  My self esteem still has not came back fully but I know God is working on restoring that to me. 

Now, I know there are people that would say well it's my fault because I stayed.  To that I will say this if you have never been in an abusive relationship you can not begin to understand the beat down emotionally that an abuser can give you.   They know what to say to tear you down and what to say to draw you in. They threaten your family and kids.   They isolate you from your family most of the time so you feel like you have no one who can help you.  Josh always threatened to kill my family and kids if I ever tried to leave.  What was I supposed to think.  The man was trying to kill me everyday almost so I believed with all my heart that he would kill my family, kids, and myself.   As long as Josh was hitting me then my girls were safe.  I was the brunt of his anger and I was strong enough to deal with it.  Men like Josh are wimps and when faced with fighting a man they cower down like the cowards they are.  

     In 2014 I met a man named Caleb and we started dating.    I thought I had finally found my happiness.  We dated off and on for 3 years.  He was an alcoholic and we fought when he drank sometimes.  I broke up with him in 2016 and moved out.   I ended up getting back with him in 2017 for a few months.  I put this in here because when you have been in an abusive relationship it is so easy to fall into another unhealthy relationship.   Somewhere in your mind you justify that its okay and you are the reason for all the anger but I eventually learned that his addiction to alcohol was not healthy and I had to break away and break that cycle.

On September 24, 2016 my life would yet again change in a drastic way.  Come back tomorrow to learn more.