Finding Myself

     The hardest part besides sacrificing my happiness to give my girls a life they deserved was finding out who I was.  I had lost myself somewhere in the 10 years Josh and I were together.  He didnt allow me to wear makeup except to cover bruises.  I was not allowed to fix my hair or paint my fingernails.  I was only allowed to wear Jean's and t shirts.  I was not allowed to make myself look nice and never felt beautiful.   

     When I became free of Josh I had no idea who I was or what to do.  I couldn't even make simple decisions like what to eat.   I still have trouble.   I was angry with God.  I stayed angry with God for a long time.  I blamed him for allowing me to go through what I did and for the suffering.  I blamed him for taking everything I loved away from me.   I could only see the bad in my life and couldn't see the good.  As I started going to the hearings about my case I struggled with emotions and hatred for Josh.  He tortured me even in court.  He would walk by and blow me a kiss or just wink at me.  It messed with my head so much.  How could this evil man still be messing with me?  I was supposed to be free of him.  He somehow still managed to terrify me and he got a thrill from it.  He knew I was still weak and terrified of him.

     I got a call one day from the Van Zandt County Sherrif's office and they asked me to come in.  When I arrived they asked me if I had anywhere I could go stay for a week or two that Josh wouldn't know about.  They informed me that an inmate came forward and told them Josh was asking around trying to find someone to put a hit out on me.  I was terrified.  Even to this day I still look over my shoulders.    I am paranoid when I am in a crowd of people.  I remember the day Josh was finally sentenced.  We had agreed to a plea bargain for 40 years because I didn't want to go to trial and have to relive everything over and over.  I delivered a victim allocution statement.  I was able to say whatever I wanted to Josh and for the first time he had to shut up and Listen.  I had so much to say and told him how he was just a fish in a tank full of hungry sharks.  He was at the mercy of all the other inmates yet I was free.   I also told him I was going to celebrate MY daughters birthday because he was sentenced on her 8th birthday.   The girls were no longer his kids.  He didn't deserve that right.  At least that is how I felt.  As I delivered my statement Josh just rolled his eyes and didn't really look at me but I know he heard every word because I could see it on his face.  After my statement I felt empowered for the first time in 10 years.  I felt like I finally got a little bit of me back.   There was strength I felt from deep within which would be a big key in my healing process.


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