Living Alone with Josh

      After about 6 months of being together we moved into Josh's brothers mobile home.  It was right behind his moms.  It was our first house together.   Things had been going good.  We hadn't had very many fights.  I thought maybe things were going to stay better.   We got everything moved and Josh was working for his uncle doing lawn mowing and landscaping.  Although during the moving he made me do most of the work.   I did all the heavy lifting with him telling me what to do.  He would go to work and I was not allowed to open the door for anyone.  I just assumed he was being protective.   That is until he started putting a piece of tape on the outside of the door to check and see if I even opened it during the day.  Then one day I was cleaning the house and I found a sock laying next to the toilet.  I picked it up so i could wash it and the realized there was something in it.   I opened the sock and inside was a pipe and a baggie with what I would later learn was meth.  I confronted Josh about it and he just got mad and yelled at me.   Then Josh wanted sex and I was still upset and not feeling it so he got mad at me and made me have sex while he was punching me.  It was terrifying.  Yet again I tried to rationalize that this was okay and I was in the wrong and needed to work harder to be a better woman.  The next day he apologized and brought me flowers.  So like a fool again I forgave him.  

     In the next years time we had several fights.  Josh slammed the freezer door into my mouth and busted my lip.  He slapped me and hit me and I was so scared and I had no place to go so I stayed.   I knew my parents would let me come back home but i couldn't swallow my pride and call them.   I just wanted my happily ever after so I was trying to hold on to it.  I allowed myself to believe I had done something wrong and I deserved what he did to me.  Roughly in January of 2005 we moved to Tyler, Tx into a house with Josh's parents again.   His mom was working for At Home Healthcare and got me a job there as a provider taking care of people in their homes.  Josh would take me and drop me off at each house and pick me up from work.  I remember one day I was at a patient's house in Lindale and her grandson got off the school bus at her house this one day.   He was probably 13 or 14 years old and I was about 20.   Josh pulled up to pick me up and saw the grandson there and flipped out.  My patient had given me a puppy too.   As we were driving down the road Josh busted my lip and made me let the puppy out on the side of the road.  It was heartbreaking.   Why did I keep justifying what he was doing and making it okay in my head.   No one in my life ever told me about physical, mental, or emotional abuse.  This was all new to me and I had made myself believe that this was just the normal.

     In April of 2004 I found out I was pregnant with my first child.  Josh made me take like 4 pregnancy tests and he seemed so excited but in a matter of minutes my joy was shredded by him.  He asked me who else I had been with because he had been with so many women and none of them had gotten pregnant so why was I.   I swore to him it was his baby.   God had obviously seen fit to bless me with this baby.  I mean he was with me almost all hours of the day so when and how could I cheat anyways.  During my pregnancy Josh kicked me out and moved another woman into our apartment we were living in at the time.  He told me to go stay with his mom.  Like an idiot I did and still did Josh laundry for him and fought to get him back. I went to many doctor appointment alone.  The few times Josh took me he would do a gas and go and tell me to lay down in the backseat.   If ya'll don't know what that means, he would fill up the truck with gas and drive off without paying.  I felt terrible but Josh didn't care.  I just knew one day we would get into trouble or end up in jail over that but God protected me and my baby.  

     My first amazing daughter was born on January 3, 2005.   She was a beautiful blessing.     Josh was so loving and attentive to her.  I thought maybe she could bring Josh and I back together again.  It seemed to help for a while however we still had lots of fights.  One day Josh said let's get married and gave me a ring.   He didn't propose really he just said we were going to get married.  Later on I found out that he wanted to get married so he could get more back on his taxes each year.  On June 14, 2005 we got married at the Justice of the Peace on my lunch break at work.  

     In 2005 I changed jobs and went to work for a place called Azalea Orthopedics in Tyler doing medical records.  This job I loved.  I worked with great people and was good at it.  I got several raises.  Josh would call multiple times daily to check on me.   I got wrote up a few times for being on the phone too much but Josh didn't care.  Around March of 2008 I found out I was pregnant with my second child.  I am leaving out my kids names for their protection.  After learning I was pregnant we moved into our own place again in Whitehouse Tx.  We fought all the time.  Josh was still using meth I believe.  He had started a job at Alan Fielding Electric in Tyler.  During the day we both worked and my oldest daughter was in day care.  When I got off work I picked her up and if i wasn't home by a certain time I would get hit and cussed at.  It didn't matter if their was traffic and it delayed me even 5 minutes, it was still my fault and I paid the consequences. 

     On December 3, 2008 Josh decided to pick a fight with me about a number on the caller ID.  It was a guy he worked with that had called him.  However he said the guy had called me and that he and I were sleeping together.  He pushed me and hit me even though I was about 8 1/2 months pregnant.  He grabbed a knife and threatened to cut my daughter out.  I was so in fear of my life but we lived out in the middle of nowhere so I had nowhere to go and was too terrified.  My oldest daughter was sleeping thank goodness. Once he settled I took a shower.  He came in and wanted sex and I didn't want to fight so I just let him do it.  I woke up about midnight to my water breaking.  On December 4, 2008 at 10:18AM my second daughter entered this world.  She was pure perfection.  We took her home the next day to meet her big sister.  Although through my whole pregnancy my oldest swore she was having a brother not a sister.  

This picture is to show how miserable I was with Josh most of the time.

See ya'll tomorrow for more.   There is still a lot to tell.  

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God Bless