Things I Missed

 So mom came and picked me up from the shelter and took me to her place.  I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulder.  On the way home from Tyler we stopped at Dairy Queen to eat with my sister and her kids.  I think that was one of the craziest things that all my nieces and nephews were teenagers basically.  The last time I had seen them they were just small children.  They had grown so much. 

    I am gonna back track here for a brief moment.   My thoughts are kinda scattered today so I am gonna touch on a few things.  Another event that was completely heartbreaking was the passing of my dad.  I don't know if I said before that my brothers, sisters, and I were adopted at a young age due to sexual abuse and neglect.  Robert and Sue Boyd took all of us in and adopted us as a family so we didn't get separated. Well in 2011 I got a call from my biological family that they heard my dad was terribly sick and it didn't look good.  I pleaded with Josh to let me go see what was going on and he agreed but gave me 30 minutes to go see my dad and get back home.  He allowed my oldest daughter to go with me too.  He would question her about what I did, said, and who I saw.  I hated that he used her like that.  When I got to my dad's (Robert Boyd), he was very sickly looking and it just broke my heart.  However he did know who I was and was glad to see me and my daughter.  I had seen my dad maybe 2 or 3 times in the last 10 years.  I hugged and kissed him told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was that I had not been there for him.  I felt like such a terrible person for not being around although it was because Josh hadn't allowed me to be there.  I wanted to tell Mom and Dad everything that was going on between Josh and I but I felt they had enough going on without my drama too.  I also knew it would make Josh angry and then I would pay for it later. When we got home Josh grilled me on what I said and who was there and then did the same to my daughter.  However our stories matched so he didn't have any leverage to get mad.   While I was at Mom and Dads I found out also that my nephew Caleb had been fighting cancer as well.  He was diagnosed when he was in high school and I was not there for him either.  I felt like I had let my family down from not being there when they needed me the most.  My whole life my family was my first priority until I met Josh.  I will say this to anyone reading this please don't let any man or woman take your family from you.   That is just as much a form of abuse as physical.   We need our families always.

      On August 29, 2011 I got the call that changed my life early that morning.  My mom called and told me Dad had just taken his last breath.  He had passed peacefully.  I was shocked when Josh allowed me to go over and say my last goodbyes to him and check on mom.  However he still gave me a 30 minute time frame to do it in.  When I got to Moms there was some family there so I visited for a minute with them all the while terrified that I might say something wrong or be gone too long.  My dad had decided to donate his body to science so the people from there came to get him and my big brother Jason carried him out and placed him on the gurney.  It was so hard to watch him.  Knowing my dad was not coming back to me.  A few days later mom had a memorial service of course without a body because the science people had to take dad.  Josh allowed me to go to the service.  He made me late and again gave me a time limit on when to be back home. Of course I got there and sat down for the service and afterward they had food but I knew I didn't have time to eat or visit.  So I found mom and told her I had to go and she didn't understand why I had to rush away but she hugged me and told me she loved me.  I went back home and carried dad obituary with me so I at least had one last picture of him.  A few days later Josh got in one of his moods and he ripped the picture of dad off the fridge and told me I didn't love my dad and ripped it into pieces.  It was like the last piece of my dad was gone.  All I had now was my memories.  I miss my dad so much to this day still.  He was an incredible man and an incredible dad.   I missed out on so many years with him and it kills me still today.  Dad I love you and I miss you and I know you watch over me everyday.  

RIP Robert James Lynn Boyd

You are so missed.   I carry you with me everyday.